SEXUAL SPHERE

Sexual Incompatibility: How to Improve Your Sex Life

LifeSex remains a taboo topic for open conversations, so people often keep issues in their sex lives to themselves. Whether it's the absence of orgasm or monotony in sex, we fear discussing it with our partner, let alone a specialist like a sexologist.

Who is a sexologist, and what do they do? A sexologist is a doctor who helps resolve issues in the realm of intimate closeness, explore oneself, and enhance sexual life with a partner.
Sexology is a distinct branch of science focused on studying sexual life and treating sexual pathologies.
A psychosexual therapist examines sexual behavior both individually and helps address physical and psychological problems for both sexual partners. Their task as a sexopathologist is to diagnose and treat disorders that bring discomfort to sexual life. Here are some issues a sexologist consults on:
  • low libido
  • support after a breakup
  • sexual dysfunctions and deviations
  • abnormal sexual development
  • sexual dynamics of couples and its disruptions
  • absence of orgasms
How to understand when it's "time"? Do I need a consultation with a sexologist? Let's try to figure it out together.

What makes up libido and what to do about it

Sexual needs vary from person to person; don't be dismayed if yours don't align with your partner's. You can love someone, envision a shared future, and still have different sexual preferences — it's normal, and it can be fixed.

Even if you know nothing about sexology, you've probably heard the term "libido." Has the spark disappeared in your sex life? It's likely your libido has taken a hit. One partner wants more frequent sex than the other? Probably due to differing levels of libido. It's often associated with the need for sex, desire, and quantity. In reality, libido is somewhat more complex because it consists of several integral parts:

Platonic Relationships

This is the emotional aspect of attraction between partners. It's about the desire to be accepted, feel comfort, care, and tenderness.

Romance may seem unnecessary when you've been with a partner for a long time or quickly started to have sex. Why waste time and energy on courtship and creating a romantic atmosphere? This is how partners start to ignore the platonic part of libido. It ruins the pleasure of sex, turning it into a purely physical need without emotional attachment.
Sexual life is not only about a physical need but also an emotional one.

Eroticism

Eroticism is your physical attraction. It's responsible for the tactile desire to explore your partner, touch, and interact with the body. Eroticism is essential as it cultivates sexuality, curiosity, and interest in each other. If you limit it to just the sexual act, partners may get less satisfaction.

For example, one partner always rushes into sex. Whether it's due to time constraints or kids, they believe it's better to skip foreplay altogether. Meanwhile, the other partner values kisses and hugs, but they always get skipped. They feel disappointment and lose interest in sex entirely because their need for intimacy is not met.

Sex

This pertains to the sexual act itself. It harbors the need for trust and acceptance in desires. If one partner avoids sex or devalues the other's desire, feelings of insult and abandonment can arise in the relationship.

Perhaps your issues lie in one of these components, as improving sexual life can happen on all three levels. Try starting with an honest conversation.

How to talk to your partner about what doesn’t satisfy you

Let's imagine you've identified what doesn't satisfy you. What's next? Where to start a conversation with your partner if it feels embarrassing or you're afraid of touching on sensitive issues?
In relationships based on partnership, discussing your desires and needs in sex shouldn't escalate into a bigger argument or hurtful remarks.
How can you solve a problem if your partner isn't even aware of its existence? Acknowledging it is the first step towards working on it and finding solutions. A good and open conversation about sex can help, and here are a few tips on approaching it.

Acknowledge your discomfort

Fear and shame before the conversation create tension, pushing you to completely avoid this topic. If you feel these toxic emotions before the talk, try openly acknowledging them to your partner. Don't hesitate to admit your vulnerability on this matter; your partner will appreciate your efforts.
Start the conversation with a confession, opening your partner up to you:

"I feel really embarrassed bringing up this topic, but I want to discuss our sex life."

"I'm afraid you might get upset or angry with me, but I want to address this issue."
Let them know the purpose of the conversation. You value and love your partner, don't want to offend or hurt them, but aim to improve your life together and bring each other satisfaction.

Specify your desires

Think as precisely as possible about what doesn't suit you. Make a list of your desires. If figuring them out on your own is challenging, consider consulting a psychotherapist.

For example, if you prefer longer foreplay, express it directly without abstract formulations or smoothing corners. Encourage your partner to make a similar list so that both of your desires are considered.

Speak in the first person

Speak from the first person, from your "I," so your partner doesn't feel accused or offended.
  • "You never go on trips together with me; you don't appreciate me."
  • "You never suggest anything new in our intimate life; do you even care?"
  • "I want to bring more romance into our relationship so that we plan trips together more often."
  • "Let’s make a list of what each of us wants to try; I want to diversify our intimate life together."

Open up to dialogue

Let your partner share their desires and needs too. They might have wanted to talk about your sex life for a while but didn't muster the courage. Show that you're listening and considering their wishes in return.

Ask them questions like, "What do you want in sex? What doesn't satisfy or please you?"
Approach each other's desires with respect and attention.
Talking and resolving issues in your sex life can also be done with a professional. A sexologist can help you understand yourself and start a healthy dialogue with your partner. Booking an appointment is simple: fill out a questionnaire on our website, and we'll match you with a sexologist online in a few minutes.
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